Lord, I'm writing this to you from a place where I am lost. But, thank you for speaking to me, Father. Always reminding me of your presence whenever I am on the brink of losing it. There was a time when I was broken, when I just knew You. Really knew you, felt Your presence and Your Grace. You healed me and brought me back, bit by bit. I was grateful and was in love, but never ever enough to hunger after you with a passion, but hungry enough to want to know more about You than I ever would about many things. It surprised me.But somehow, the growth and courage seemed to have dwindled of late.
I was jobless for a while and I had cried out that if you really did exist, save me. You answered and brought me to where I am now, a safe environment where the worst that could happen, couldn't never be what I went through before - I was missing traits of self-confidence resulting from failures, I was missing structured thinking, this job trained me to be structured. You brought me to ground zero and it was at the chasm that I was trained, not at the top of a mountain. Where I believed I would amount to nothing, You gave me a promotion and You prospered me. I was a Matthew 5:3 - you told me that twice - Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven. The first time I came across this verse was during the Cebu trip, when each of us were given a handmade card with a verse. Everyone's verse were something that somehow related to them - the team at YWAM had prayed before writing them. The 2nd time this verse was given to me was during the first time that the church opened on Wednesdays for prayer sessions - E was praying and he suddenly turned around and said that he had a verse for me - also the Beatitudes. Searched for means to unravel this verse but I could never fully comprehend. It was as though a veil was over my head, preventing me from seeing things clearly. Now, I think I understand.
I remember the first time I attended service, I wept and wept because I felt so comforted by You. You lifted the pain and burden so I could start breathing normally for the first time in months. I remember T telling me that she was prompted to approach me because she felt that that was what God wanted her to do. I felt so loved that You would send someone to take me to You. You are God, why did You even bother about me? I am so insignificant yet You bothered and... You love me. The magnitude of Your love and grace washed over me.
Lord, I remember desperately seeking for ways to know you that rainy Sunday, when I was sick but there was a burden which brought me to stand outside St Bernadette's looking for the Alpha poster, just to get the number of the person-in-charge and join the class. I needed you that desperately. I remember on that day that the class started, that morning, I heard a voice telling me 'Know my words, learn hard, I want you to know me. I will bless you with the gift of tongues, amongst many other gifts.'
I remember when I attended the 2nd Alpha class after work, having the most horrible headache on earth, so bad I was dazed, dropped off at the wrong stop and had to practically float a longer distance to St Bern's. I remember M telling me that God might be touched by my obedience and heal me. I was curious if that would happen - but yet at the end of lesson, my headache did not stop but grew 10 notches. It was the day where I learnt about why You died on the cross. You went through so much pain and humiliation and worst of all, when the sins of the world came upon You on the cross, you were in such turmoil because it was the first time that you were distanced from God, forsaken because of the barrier caused by our sins. I learnt that and it struck so hard because I never really understood what You went through. I remember that I was on the bus with M and she was sympathetic towards my pain and need to vomit from every bump on the road - when from my mouth came the weirdest (at least to me then, it was weird) thing - 'compared to what He went through on the cross, my pain is nothing'. Right at that moment, it was as though I have a shot of super painkiller right into the painful spot on my skull, the intense headache just ebbed away, leaving a slight, dull feeling. I get headaches frequent enough to know that it definitely requires a dosage of 2 muscle relaxants + sleep to get recover. My headaches do not go from level 10 to level 1 in 1 second. I was awestruck. Was I just healed? By you? I related this to a mature Christian colleague the next day and she told me that it was my proclaimation of His Lordship that healed me.
Because of you, I somehow was just able to stop smoking for almost a year - with zero effort. Because of you, I didn't need to sleep with the room fully lit, because there was nothing to fear. It had to be You. Years of habit and irrational fear of the dark does not simply go away.
Over time, I grew more attached to you and then after that, things spiralled downhill. The passion seemed to have waned. I started becoming tired, I started taking You for granted. I questioned why You let certain things happen, I felt that following You was a tiring affair - especially when I was in the company of people who has zero faith in You. People who denied you, people who disliked Your followers, followers behaving badly. I had to remind myself often that I am from the world but not of the world. I got into BSF and quite easily too - signed up for a class that was full and was told that I would be put on waiting list then I got a call to ask if I would like to join a class that they are pioneering - at a place that is even nearer to the one which I had initially signed up for.
I was overworked and tired but you blessed me with bosses who recognised my effort and gave me the commendation that I so badly needed. As I grew, I saw work as more important than You, starting to miss some sessions with you, with the LG, lessons - all in the name of work. My idol.The thing that drove me. I worked and worked, perhaps then, the heart was in the right place - as in, things were done with the intention that this is all in Your glory - a good follower would be responsible with what the master tasked her to do. In this case, I would need to be responsible with the work that was given to me. At that point, being given responsibility was also a sign that I was doing ok and something which I craved for. Even when I forget about you for a few days, whenever I called out to You, in exhaustion, in stress, in fear, You always answered without fail. Tired from endless amount of work and unable to rest before the next day's meeting? Client called to cancel the meeting, giving me time to rest. This happened not once, but twice. Pre-empted a stressful and scary meeting with difficult clients - I prayed, the things went smoothly. I guess you still knew what was tucked deep in the heart.
Then the heart started to be deceitful, the heart started to want more, started to be at the wrong place. Being suddenly treated in a hostile manner by a close friend at work didn't help. I felt belittled and extremely hurt. I tried to turn to You but couldn't quieten down my heart to listen.
I took to smoking again and - suddenly, what came to me easily before - I now struggle. As I write this, I was reminded of Adam and Eve's fall from Eden. I could never properly quit. I never did fear you before because I knew Your goodness and insurmountable love. I needed to be God-fearing. I put in more at work, and the frequent absences from BSF resulted in me being taken out of the class at the end of the first semester. I was devastated. I felt as though You have abandoned me. I was struggling with the lack of real friends at work. I was struggling with being in a new LG with people who intimidate me a lot, having to struggle through conversations with LG mates, being angry with fellow Christians, disappointment with T. I didn't want to talk about things and I felt like running away. I was growing numb. Once, where everything that You said brought about wonder, it now gave guilt. I wondered if there is something wrong with me - why can't I communicate with people as before? What happened to the easy camaraderie before? I wanted to run away but somehow, despite everything, HS reminded me that I should never leave You. I held on, going through the motions of church, serving, LG, in a numb manner.
Suddenly, I got a call from BSF asking if I would like to return to class for they are starting a new group and I have a space! Look, the waiting line to get into BSF could be anything from weeks to years, due to the popularity of the class. Me getting into a class the first time round could be attributed to coincidence. Me getting back a 2nd time? It has to be God. I got back, though at the back of my head, there was a sense of trepidation. What if I have to do OT? What if I get kicked out again? Nonetheless, joy won the war. I remember being eager to start anew after months of staleness. I said I would do this and that - I would tithe, I could give more time, I could pray everyday... just then, I heard a voice telling me 'Pearl, I know you. I know what you are capable of doing and I just want your commitment, that's all.' It was a though a burden of unfulfilled promises left m burdened. I don't need to do a lot. I just need to be committed.
The horrible thing was - while I was committed to BSF, just because He said I didn't need to do a lot... I started smoking carefreely. Yes, what's wrong with me right? I think that was when He felt that He needed to put the fear of Him in me - not in a bad way of course. For what He gave me, I was irresponsible with it and took my freewill for granted. I did as I pleased even though I knew I was being disobedient, I rationalised it somehow. As I learnt today, stumbling over a weakness is one thing, being willfully disobedient, is another.
Once or twice, the idea of getting a stroke struck me and there was one day, after a particularly stressful and exhausting presentation, I needed nothing more than a smoke. Even my non-smoking boss asked me if I needed one. Wow! I quickly whipped out my pack and took out a stick. Just when I was about to light it, look - stress and green light from boss - I stopped. I stared at the sky. I thought of stroke. I also thought of a sermon I heard - fill my thoughts with thoughts of Him before I am tempted to do something bad. One side rebelled and said just smoke la, you have some much left, just finish the pack and then quit. One side said no. I literally stood there staring at the sky and staring at the temptation in my hands. God won. Miracle - and that was a struggle because like I said, I never needed to struggle the last time round.
Despite that little victory - there is still a lot of guilt in the poor way in which I represented Christ. Today's lesson, I had 2 major take aways.
1. Faith and deeds - True faith in God should be accompanied by deed; you see that a person is righteous by what they do, not by faith alone. - I've been stuck at entry-level christianity for the longest time. Time to ask him to help me grow.
2. I seem to have grown selfish
When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm, Father you are King over the flood, I will be still and know You are God. True repentance is more than talk, it is changed behaviour
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