Hard

Sometimes, i wonder if i should issue my dad with an ultimatum and i stop only because i was worried about the consequences arising from pride.

My dad curses at people - a lot, and is very vulgar. It's getting worse with the years and I feel so disappointed in him. And disappointed in God. Cos i don't see a difference in his life. While friends pray for parents to come to know God, i don't know what to pray about. He always has something bad to say about someone. 

It breaks my heart when he does that. Recently, it's harder to manage it. When he starts cursing at people, I decided to add on. I'll make it so that i am 1000x worse. I'll say, "this person is terrible. I hope this person gets knocked down by a car and die." To my deeper disappointment, he didn't stop me or reprimand me. So i continued.

Today, during dinner, he talked about someone offending my aunt and that if he were there, he would challenge the person to a fight. Again, i said, "yah i hope his whole family dies". This time, he stopped. He said not to say such things. I asked him back, "why not?" 

D: That's cursing people

Me: Are you not doing it by cursing people and wanting to beat people up?

D: That is one off, if you curse people, the curse will fall back on the family

Me: So consequences on the family aside, if there are no consequences, does that make it ok?

D: No, harm will befall on our family. There's such thing as karma. 

Me: I see, we only don't curse others because of consequences. What if (points at the cross on the wall), there is no God. God is not real? Because what the bible preaches is that we kill a person when we want to inflict harm on the person. But any way, what am i saying? God is evidently not real, right? If not, why live like this?

D: if God is not real, then i think i don't go church. 

Me: Shrugs

He leaves the dinner table.

I turn to mum. And i told her what as Christian parents, they have the duty to teach me and tell me what is right. Not because of consequences if we fail to obey God and yes, there are consequences, but first and foremost, God IS love. I had hoped that there's a difference in how we live our lives, if we live our lives as though there is no God, then church is just like a social club. 

The question

I'm back because my friend reminded me of this place and also, i feel like i couldn't talk to anyone about it - that's the worst part. I don't have and can't be accountable for my spiritual life out of pride.

Because at this stage, my heart has grown cold to the things of God. I am fearful, because values that I hold strongly too, are let go with greater and greater ease. I no longer feel like serving as well.

What happened to the pearl who was so honoured to be God's servant, who took so much pleasure in being in partnership with God?

I just hope by penning these thoughts, God will be able to seek perspective and in doing so, also allow me to find the words - and the courage to account to my leaders. I need help.

Back, in many ways

I am not sure why I am blogging again.

So much has happened recently that, I feel I owe it to God to write it down so that when tribulations come, I can look back and remember the grace of God in my life and it will tide me through so I can continue to run the race.

I left ASL with a lot of hurt, sadness and I have never felt so low. I went on trip thinking I could recover. Honestly, I didn't. Not really. I merely passed time. I am now on my 3rd week of work. I can't say that I am living out my passion, I did like it that I am learning at my pace.

And I realised that God knows my pace better than I did - and he showed me.

Time - Work

• Timing and the strange way in which I got this job - Felicia felt HS prompting her 3 times about a new positioning opening and she didn't know what I was going through.
• Meeting the boss for an interview and the strange way the interview panned out with me being offered a job though I didn't do well at all - it's like grace, totally undeserving, yet receiving.
• Having the time to make a decision to leave. 
• Having the time to come to terms with my decision. 
• Having the time to grow at my own pace at work.

Time - Lead

• The first time I was asked to be an LGL was 2-3 years ago when my LGL got married and needed to lead a new zone with his wife - I told him my spiritual walk is in shambles and I can't
• When the LG needed to move to a new zone when we no longer had the space to use in Holland, Abigail asked if I wanted to be trained

Learning

Thankful


Signs



Grow in

I don't like what I've become the past few months, the more I settle in at work. I'm like a candle that has been snuffed out. Can't shine anymore. Just be part of the darkness. 

Presence retreat

Today, I learnt that even when I'm not aware, I'm part of God's plan for someone, and God is using me when when I'm not aware.

Yujun was struggling with some problems for a year and during the camp, he happened to bunk in with WJ who, unknowingly, helped him resolve an issue which he has got with God for a year. Just a week ago, I spoke to him as he drove me home and I felt strongly that he should meet WJ to talk about his career. And I should intro. But God works faster as I'm forgetful, God put them up in the same room and they started talking. Amen. God is good. 

I'm still struggling day by day in terms of my discipline for my smoking issues, materialism - things that all along has been underlying - at least for the smoking  issue. I can't blame that the work environment has caused me to change, except that I'm weak. Really weak and wilfully disobedient. 

God, where the heart is empty and hard, put for me the love of you back into my heart. 

?

I'm looking for something, I just wish I know what I am looking for.

I can't settle down and I keep searching, restless. 

One of those days where I feel really annoyed and yet I can't say a word. 

Questioning why.

I'm typing this entire post using voice memo because I simply have no strength to type.

I'm really pained. A friend of mine liked someone for a very long time. Today, she found out that that he is gay. I just cannot imagine the kind of pain that she is going through. She's my very good friend and she's been suspecting this for a while but was hoping otherwise. 

Today, I really wonder why God would allow this to happen. Not because I'm upset that it meant that my friend cannot be with him. But because he has communicated his decision to leave the church because of that. 

God, why do such things happen? If he leaves the church, does it mean that he's leaving you as well? This cannot happen. Can you change his mind? Can you bring him comfort in the times where he struggles and fails, because it must have hurt him too. Can you let him know that he's very much loved by you no matter what happens? Just... Don't let him turn his back on you. He needs you more than anything else right now. I cannot fathom how anyone who has known your love and seen your miracles, could make the conscious choice to leave you. I know this could possibly happen to me but please don't test me in this manner.