Why am I doing this?

A year plus ago, this person came into my world and filled my entire sight.

I knew he wasn't someone for me for many reasons, and I definitely wouldn't be someone for him. 

As time passed, what I felt was a bond grew and grew and despite knowing that I wasn't for him and that he wasn't for me. I could see nothing, but him. 

He gave me the idea that he saw me as a fantastic, wonderful and kind person. Because of this, in a way, he made me a better person- not as a form of pretence but because it was easy. I felt like I could do a lot for him and there was perhaps... A very little bit of hope. Hope makes people do strange things and obviously, my damned heart is deceitful above all things. I saw things that my heart wanted me to see. Even if there was nothing, there was a friendship which I value tremendously. 

Then came very first day when things changed and I realised... I could be easily replaced... I wasn't as special to him as I thought, I... Wasn't anything to him. I was a convenience. Every day was like a slap in the face where I'm reminded again - that was all it was. Slap. 

There was a cycle of avoidance, my pride kicked in, I... Wanted to appear even happier without him - silly me, why did I do that when it didn't matter one bit? Life goes on for him while up till now, I'm still consciously and unconsciously looking out for him whenever I step into a room - kicking myself when the awareness of the  unconscious behaviour crept in. 

I learnt to square my shoulders and not look even when he is right in front of me. I learnt to smile, laugh a little louder and look okay when I was reminded of how easily I was replaced. I would mutter to myself 'painful, really painful' when he does sth to remind me how replaceable I was and how I used to be that someone 'special'. The stabbing feeling in the heart was real. The hope that things would go back as they were still strong but pathetically part of my wishful thinking. All  these thoughts were again a painful reminder of how very much aware I was of his presence and how far I was from really being what I'm trying to appear to be. 

It's not important, he cannot be important, if he can do it with ease, why can't I? Don't read into things, don't have that kind of effect on me. Can I let go? Fully?

He was never gg to be part of anything in my life and will never be. He only cares about himself - he makes no apologies for that, that is just who he is. It wasn't as though he didn't tell me. Just that I wouldn't see it and took it lightly.