Friends, my lucky charm

Had a great Lonely Hearts Gathering with S and C. My first time as a singleton in 6 years was actually quite fun. It wasn't anything wild or whatsoever. It was relaxing and enjoyable, despite C and I being rather sick. How could I have ever thought of skipping this just to rest? Not like I can really rest with that damn cough.

I told them what sis-in-law said about feeling as though me I wasn't there
whenever she talked to me during the past 6 years and how she felt as though I'm back again after I recovered from the breakup. It was something which I could never really understand. Yet, surprisingly, C and S readily agreed after I told them about it. Their explanation was that a part of me wasn't there and seemed to be buried - I was there but never really there. I didn't realise it and at this point, I hear them but still do not understand what they meant exactly. I guess I used to be a very crazy, very funny, different girl.

Was touched when I received texts from 3 people nagging at me to rest as well. What have I done to deserve anyone bothering? Those were my colleagues btw. All nagging at me to rest, take my mc and to Stop Working

Recently, I've been a bit obsessed with work to a point where I won't feel hungry or tired. So there was little N nagging at me to stop working myself without a care for my health. Was touched, very touched. Maybe I need to go slow. Wondering if that's the legendary scorpion obsessiveness and dogged pursuit of sth - but then again... I shouldn't believe in such things...

Here's the screenshot of the chat to remember the feeling of warmth these ppl bring into my life.

Also had a 'talk' with the ex about our emotional expectations. We clarified that we will never get back with each other and will be friends. I always thought it was a mutual understanding... But got concerned when she asked me not to misunderstand before she said something rather sweet. I was surprised and asked her whats there to misunderstand. She said that I migjt misunderstand that as something that meant getting back together.

I guess my actions must have been complicating somehow. That she feels as though she 对不起我, or that I might want to get back with her. I was trying to understand where she got that idea from... That could cause her to misunderstand that I would get funny ideas. I think it could be our conversation on fri night when I saw her driving C's car. I was angry because I felt lied to about her rs with C. I guess this stemmed from the fact that one of our friends, ZH, was never told abt our rs - because according to the ex, she didn't need to know. So, I had this idea that, she might not tell me because it is sth that I didn't 'need to know'. I know she's perfectly capable of justifying such decisions.

Hmmm... If you are reading this, actually, if you are dating C... There is nothing I can do about it no matter how much I dislike her. I'll just have to accept it and get on with life, or, ignore you, if you were cheating on me then.

Other than that, I'm fine. I do not see you as a potential, I am not waiting for you, I will never get back together with you even if you asked and even if I am going to die a lonely single. Not because you are not good. I still think that you are a good catch, but it's just not possible for us. There might be am element of curiosity at times - the what if... But its not a burning curiosity. Don't get the wrong idea, ok? :) And I sincerely believe that you will get the promising future that you wanted. Just need some time to get your bearings.

And don't be sorry ever again - I got better, I've improved. I think I gained a great deal from this breakup. If I'd become a sloth or broken down completely, you could feel guilty. But I didn't. :) no more sorrys, ok?