I've just chanced upon a poly senior's blog and am quite inspired to write something here. I hope that this doesn't take too long because I really should be sleeping, or thinking up mission, vision and value statements for my client - there are bosses to impress yet, I can't quite muster the energy nor enthusiasm to do it. I'll just get to the office early tomorrow rustle up something.

There has been a lot of new responsibilities recently, but I am not exactly savouring the moment as I usually would. After doing new things on and on, being taken off projects and having new projects dropped on my lap, it's beginning to dawn on me that I should not be responsible to kickstart things when my superiors are not really sure about the direction - not because I am not game for it, but because I am ill-equipped to do a good job and it's just not fair for the client.

With such thoughts floating around my head, naturally, it wasn't easy taking matters to task. I spent a significant part of the Christmas weekend feeling utterly miserable and stressed out, not knowing how to go about doing the seemingly impossible and not having much help either. I was basically left to my own devices. I wanted to run away, but the numerous church activities made it impossible to do so and instead, cranked up the stress level from 'high' to 'dangerous' because it meant that I had less time to do my work.This was until I took time off to listen to a CD given by my boss, EL. It is a collection of sermons from this pastor in Perth (perth!!! my homeland!!) and is based on the phrase 'well done thou good and faithful servant' - something which God will say to me (hopefully) when I eventually meet him. The 2nd CD was very inspiring and somehow, managed to take away the extreme negativity that I was feeling (see, the symptoms of extreme stress were appearing - i was waking up retching every single morning - something that only happens when I am extremely stressed). It's amazing -  especially for my stressed-addled brain. With that newfound strength, I sat down for 10 hours straight on boxing day (sob!) and managed to come up with something that is passably logical - at least to me. Thankfully, there were no complaints from the bosses after I ran through the presentation with them. That saved my morale from dipping further. And sufficed to last me through another mad night of preparation of a second set of presentation materials for the client and translating them into Chinese. It was hell for me. I think I might not have made it through that and the following day had I not gained additional strength from above.

More on work - A colleague whom I respect a lot has given her notice today - this didn't come as a surprise, because she has always been very honest with me about it. Not that it didn't affect me though, because I know for sure that it is going to be difficult to meet someone like that again. E, although manages a different team, was always willing to help and provide guidance whenever I went to her. It is with such people around that creates an environment where colleagues are kind and helpful to one another. I know I'm gonna miss her a lot when she's gone. But at the same time, she's is taking the step to start something of her own, something more meaningful, so I'm happy for her as well. For me, I'll need to gain more experience before I start doing that I wanna do.

There are more resignations to come and I'm definitely not too excited about it - I saw my dept head looking very stressed-out after E dropped the bomb. I hope that her newly revived faith in God will help her to pull through. It's not going to be pretty. N and I were having a short discussion earlier - that if the people whom we know are intending to leave within the next month or so - eventually leaves, what's gonna happen to us - and what about the workload? It is already getting intense right now.

Bro was just lamenting over a family dinner one evening, after I told them that I am not looking forward to work the next few days because it's gonna be reaaaaaal baaaaad - that every job for me seems to be like that and there must be something wrong with me. I was rather hurt because I felt that I had made significant improvements all thanks to the break-up (learnt to be independent and not to complain, learnt to enjoy doing things alone, learnt to be more responsible - because there is no one looking out for me. The feeling is actually quite liberating that I found myself wondering WTF was wrong with me then, sinking and sinking) and finding God (saw the amazing things he did in my life). This time round, I can safely say that he doesn't really understand, because, now that I do not whine, they do not know what's happening at work.

That said, looking back, despite the insane work and stress level at times, I am indeed blessed with wonderful colleagues around me and good bosses. This was exactly what I needed after Ate and TE and long spans of unemployment where I was starting to doubt myself and my ability to do any actual work, even though there are logical reasons that these things didn't work out - that may not be the fault of mine. But one fault that largely attributed to these failures was that I gave up too easily and that I allowed unnecessary fears to get the better of me - no wonder the ex got sick of me after a while. I regretted leaving Ate - though I didn't regret leaving TE, my sole regret for TE was that I allowed that horrible boss to say the things that she did. If I see her now... I will... -thinks of all sorts of horrible things I will say to her but know that I should not because it meant that I'm like her-

Speaking of the ex, she recently asked if she could attend Sunday service with me... It's like my prayers came true! I hope she'll have a great experience with Him and that it's not going to be a one-off thing. Though I am not expecting her to come to church with me every week, I hope she'll discover things on her own. I guess any form of commitment at this point scares her, so, I'm not going to hound her about it unless she asks. I'm just glad that some incoherent things sprouted, the faith-led (but not necessarily logical to a researcher opponent) debates from me, the newborn Christian, managed to sink into a hardened lost sheep.I hope that she will find things exciting in life again just as how, for once, I wasn't grumpy about a new year, but excited about what's ahead, despite the worries and fears. I think it has been tested time and again that I am looked after by someone who understands and loves me enough to plan things for me.

Yes, holy moley, they say.