The importance of...

I guess throughout my life, I never actually saw anything as too important to keep to; rules can always be changed, especially my own; I make my rules, I break my rules; there's always the grey area, who's to argue.

Yesterday, as I was climbing the stairs out of the club with my friends for their smoke break, I had already made up my mind to ask my friends for a cigg later. I knew that they would give it to me without hesitation and I'll get my long-awaited smoke after 4 months. I'm sure if God can put up with my other shit, he can put up with me with other neurotic stuff that I do, he can put up with me smoking, it's just 1 stick.

The moment I had that last thought, I realised I didn't want to do it. Didn't want to break that 1 single promise that I've made and managed to keep so far. It's 4 months of hard work and as time passes, the value increases, do I want to give up the promise, the 4 months? The answer is No.

I think I'm finally learning a bit of discipline. I think... It's clear, He's trying to make me more disciplined... And maybe grow me a backbone.

About the backbone part... For years, my friends has always teased me about being flat-chested. Honestly, I was ok with it, it's like water off a duck's back. The teasing was not often, but when they do, I honestly took it with a lot of humour and laughed along with them. This was a bone of contention between the girlfriend then, because she saw it as a total lack of respect from my friends and though I could be slightly hurt by them at times, I choose to laugh along. I didn't see it as much. I know they care about me and we all love one another. If anything happens, they will be there, I know that.

Then, after the breakup, I'm not sure what happened, I developed this no nonsense attitude, I'm not sure if it's a good thing, especially with good friends. I started to question the purpose of them going on and on about it... It happens each time I meet them and it was starting to get annoying, in the grating way. Yes, I'm flat and you are much bigger, good for you, my dears... So, put me down then? Then I thought, have I ever criticized you badly about your looks before? It was getting hurtful, not because I am flat, it's the actual comments from these group of friends that stung. It's the 'why are you doing that for' that stung. It's the element of mean-spiritedness injected into conversations in it that stung. Then I thought... If I were to let this happen again and again, would I:

1. End up getting pissed with them quietly without them knowing and then 1 day, feel the need to make them know how it feels by saying something really nasty?

2. Slowly avoid them altogether?

Nope, I don't want any that. So, for each time that they start that nonsense, I need to let them know, in a nice way, that I don't like it. And because I've made something clear, and if this continues, it means what the ex said eons ago was right, they didn't respect me. :) I started yesterday. Let's see how it goes. I wonder how they'll be reacting to this.

Yesterday, some awkward happened. Ok, in my entire life as a gay person, for some strange reason, I've always been nervous about going to lesbian parties and had always avoided whenever possible. Lesbians, intimidate me a lot more than gays. Yesterday, I went along though I think I tried to let my friends know that - I'd rather be doing anything else. But because I knew that they really want to go, I went along - with much much much apprehension. Plus, I haven't clubbed for ages.

I really didn't like it and kept thinking of reasons to make an exit in the least awkward manner possible. Finally, I told them I'd wait somewhere for them and pushed them back in... I was a bit worried about stressing them out so the plan was to wait ard for 30mins - and then go home. Because they didn't look very comfortable inside and I wasn't sure if it was me or that they weren't enjoying themselves and waitin for things to pick up. N, knowing I was alone, called to help me pass time, which was really sweet. Then, X called and said they were coming and they are bringing someone along who wanted to know me?! I was horrified, who the hell was that and I thought my friends knew that I'm not looking to pick up or be picked up by girls. I started my panic mode babbling to N and we agreed it's a good idea to get away from the table and then go back to PR so as not to be rude, and then make a run for it. All went according as planned. I did my best to talk to her, I didn't make it obvious that I was leaving because of her - I think. So we all 好下台, and I made my quick exit.

I think... Lesbian parties are really not for me. :(