4th encounter - Yet, ongoing still

One major sticking point between the ex and myself was that she absolutely hated my smoking habit. I've  'promised' to quit many times over the years but never quite got down to it. We fought and fought badly, sometimes these fights ended in tears and threats of breaking up. But somehow, perhaps, my heart wasn't willing because I didn't see the point of it, hence, I just continued to smoke.

The 1-2 months after the breakup, I smoked a hell lot. I guess it was an act of revenge/rebellion coupled with the need to seek comfort, I just kept smoking. Much wasted time was spent having smoke breaks with A at the stairwell, sometimes with M as well and sometimes alone. Whenever I was alone, I allowed myself to cry - I was quite a wreck. Luckily, I was never left alone much except in bed at night, where the pain hits the most and I'd go crazy and start lashing out at the ex because she was the cause of my pain. However, the kindness and concern from my family, colleagues, friends and newfound brothers and sisters were felt and despite the pain, I felt hope and was thankful for all these people He put in my life to guide me along. Compared to what I was expecting, somehow, invitations to go out poured from all over and I was never left to mope after work on weekdays or on weekends - there was always something to do and I was busier than before.

I was grateful for this kindness shown to me though I did nothing, but just believed in him. I should not be harming myself when there He is helping me.

So, I gave myself a very lax deadline to stop smoking - 2 months. I smoked as much as I liked and whenever I liked. After that, I will stop. But in that 2 months, I was thinking 'shesh... how am I going to do that? have I over-promised?' I seriously didn't think that I was going to stop smoking come 1 Oct 2011.

I remember desperately puffing my last few puffs close to 12am with C and B after their bazaar ended. It was a Friday night, 30 Sept 2011. Both were looking at me with pity and I felt sorrier for myself. I just sat there and we chain-smoked. I felt nothing but dread.

But guess what, 3.5 months on, I remained smoke-free. There were times, especially during the nice, cool year-end weather, at night, sitting with my smoking friends at alfresco areas where I wondered how nice it will be to have a puff. There were times where I'll walk by certain places and I'll find myself thinking - this looks like a nice place to smoke. But, they were usually passing thoughts, I've never felt buay song as I used to, when I couldn't smoke because the ex forbade me to do so.

I guess it's a combination of respect and the need to be obedient and to keep that simple promise to Him, I mean, there's no contract, I'm sure that if I were to take a puff, He couldn't strike me dead. I just don't want to. And largely, perhaps, I just didn't need something else to fill that void.

As Matthew 19:26 goes “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”