It's so difficult to tell what is right and what is wrong. Maybe what you feel you did at a point was correct and that nothing was wrong. Then after everything has happened, you end up feeling like crap. Real crap.

Why are human beings do difficult to guess? I mean, when a dog is happy, it wags its tail, when it's sad, its tail is down. That's all it is, clear and out in the open. but I guess that is why we aren't dogs.

I spent a significant number of weeks trying to guess what a are the motives behind each person so that I can arrive at a conclusion at the end of the day, that I feel is not something I am going to be ashamed of some time later. What happened was the seemingly abandonment of my own idea of integrity, favoring rationality. My dearest friend, was I where you were one year ago? One year later, will I be where you were at as well? Am I about to do something wrong or have I already? I don't even know what I am thinking of what I want. It is not about wanting the best for myself, it's not about the DIs, because... it really isn't. I'm tired, all I want is not having to pick up someone's mess. So much of listening to others and not much from you... so much that... I am forgetting how we used to be.

I talked to D today. I remember how you were, how we used to be before this mess happened. A some point, I am still not convinced. Why did you let yourself fall? Smile and joke and just pretend... isn't this what it is all about when people complicate things?

If I'm leaving them, do I know you well enough and without a shadow of a doubt that you are not what they say you are? I can't think, the brain has been clouded over by things that did or did not happen. So much has been said that I can't remember what is real. What about them? Because if staying on meant dropping you, what if I am wrong? What if I am just like what they say you were when you made that choice one year ago? After all, I wasn't wanted at the beginning, I knew that and tried to make up for it, smiling, a picture of agreeableness. I was accepted, wasn't very hard, I was just a newbie who tried to learn how things worked. I like them. I am honest with this, I do like them. If I ignore what damage they could do. I really like them. Is that fair to you?

Does staying mean a lack of backbone, and does leaving mean a lack of integrity? Backbone for what I don't know and integrity that has proven me ridiculously stupid in another situation just a few months ago. I suppose the choice is clear? But somehow... I am still undecided.

Don't blind me anymore, don't erase my guilt for me, guys, what are your motives? Can we not play survivor games? Because I'm too tired, because I have no courage, I'm not made to be someone who makes clear cut decisions. I wish I can be less wishy washy, more aware of who I am and what I want.

One year and sister could see that my fatal flaw would be that I don't have the guts to make decisions. Maybe it's time, just to make one, not because I want to, because I have to.

Grow up pearl, grow up.