I'm back again. Again.

At darr's house with my darlings. We're here to celebrate Baby's birthday- bought a packet of doggie treats for him and he's over the moon... I don't feel too happy though... cos it resulted in my face getting licked and slobbered over.

Yesterday was great... met Pam, Hol, Les and Jason at Holland V for dinner, and then we proceeded to thumper for martinis and some champagne (thanks to the manager). Got home feeling a little woozy and fell asleep with my makeup on, work up with a start a few hours later and hurriedly cleaned myself up. Yucks.

I'm not happy, I can't wait for this semester to end... maybe I can go off to some place far away and begin a new life... not that I don't treasure or love those around me, just that I'm tired... I don't even know what I want at times.

Sometimes, I wonder if people have faith in me at all - like that I could be trusted to do simple things right, faith that I wouldn't jeopardize important things, just simple faith. It hurts, but I don't like to show weakness, so I'll say something sharp. Which got me thinking after that... have I made things worse? I don't know. To family and important friends I'm especially sensitive to the tone and manner of speech I guess. I like to surround myself with a lot of affection and love because I don't think I have the energy to be good to many - and to those people, I tend to expect a lot from them. I like acting bimbotically at times so that those around me and myself, can have a good laugh... I shouldn't have I guess... because I guess it's hard to take me seriously when I talk about something that mattered, and hard for you not to dismiss it as just me acting dumb again. When it happens, I usually do not say anything like..'hey, im really not joking this time round' I just laugh it off and pretend that it was a joke, as you thought. One thing about you is that you do not like to be proven wrong, especially by me, I hope I'm wrong about that. When a bad tone or manner is directed at me, react accordingly and feel worse inside because I'll regret it.. yet at the same time, I want the other party to know how it feels like to be treated negatively.

Am I a chore or an unnecessay burden to you? Because it seems to feel that way already. If so, drop me a hint. Then I'll create a wall so both of us don't feel so awful, lets just be friends... very casual friends. At least at the end of the day, you don't feel tired of me and for me... I won't feel upset when you are sick of me. Maybe then, both can win.