How should I start?

Should I concede defeat and admit that from what happened yesterday, things had really arrived at the point where there is no turning back?

Call me selfish, whatever. Caring takes too much effort. Went home feeling extremely drained, thought a lot on the bus and I felt worse cos I know I've disappointed you. I wanted to call you. Yet somehow, I couldn't bring myself to do it- I stopped at with the thoughts of 'what can I say?', 'will I be greeted by cold silence?'. Excuses, all excuses. Then suddenly, I realised that the past few weeks (or months?) of carefully paraphrasing other people's words as a 3rd party had been more emotionally and mentally draining than I imagined. It's like stepping on thin ice. I don't know everything, I can only conclude things in a rational manner. 'No, its not like that, maybe she meant... blah blah' I find myself saying this very often. Yes, I don't know everything, I had wanted to find out what I do not know to clear the air, but now... I simply do not want to know anymore because its so tiring and we all know that things didn't have to be that way and yet it happened. How jinxed can matters get? Now I'm sucked in it too and I have no wish say anything else and I know I'm going to regret this. Why? Aren't friends the last people we can fall back on when bad things happen? I feel so old to be talking about friendship problems, it feels so secondary school (and even melodramatic)... so deja vu and not in a good way. Friendship is simple, we're not even talking about relationships, why make things so complicated? Anyway, I am cold, I am a bitch, I am uncaring. I am, I can't care about things that I never really understood in the first place (i see all the petty reasons that can be solved with patience and understanding, but what's the friggin root of the problem? I think its psychological and its beyond me). *waves white flag*

Of course, not without one last try- Know of this exercise where a group of strangers are in a room and are told to find a partner. An instructor tells one person to stand facing the back of another, and the other one, infront. The person infront is told to close the eyes and lean back until the point where they will fall and the person behind has to catch them. [/|] Most people, if put at the front, would not dare to lean back too much for fear that the person standing behind them will not catch them. They are made to do it again and again until they find the courage to fall back and of course, the person behind will catch them as they are falling. Those people are strangers. We are friends, and after being through so much, isn't it enough evidence to show that no matter what, we'll always catch each other when the other is falling? Isn't knowing this fact enough a comfort whenever bad things happen? Why think about the complicated matters? There is still trust and faith no matter what. Whatever that happened before stems from concern for each other. Isn't it so?

Yucks, what I just said above is so un-me. BUT its true, isn't it? (more yucks and rubbing down of goosebumps.)