i don't want to repeat feature writing next semester- but judging from certain circumstances, i think it may be highly possible. i'm so angry with myself yet i know i did not purposely let bad things happen to affect my grades... had i known, i would've done everything i could. a missed assessed tutorial, and a late submission for feature. i seriously did not know i have such things on hand. i really should learn to be more organised- i tend to fall asleep during lectures and i am really blur. i mean... i love feature writing, but not enough for me to want to repeat it... but still, its my fault.

our magazine was submitted late. i was counting on it to pull up my grades, but i think when things go wrong, they can go really really wrong. i feel bad that my group has got to rush around trying to fix those horrible last-minute gliches and that i couldn't be there with them (not that it would help). i know how it feels like from last year's newswriting experience. design programs, though useful and fun, are usually full of bugs. i'm not sure what happened, i don't want to ask the rest of my group members as i know that they must be extremely stressed and feel as awful as i (with the impending doom of having to repeat sth). maybe the document couldn't be opened, maybe while editing, the alignments went wrong, maybe the fonts weren't correct when printed out compared to what's on screen... so many things can happen. (everyone else should understand cos such things can really happen.)i suppose its really not our day.

i was really down just now- maybe being run over by 10 garbage trucks would be better than this. i know i worked harder in this semester that i ever did- i worked my ass off (for all modules) and yet... i dunno. it just hurts because if i fail, its not becos i'm lazy or that i'm a slacker or whatever reason which causes most people to flunk- its becos of things that are sort of beyond my control and i can't accept that.

shuping, u were right when u said i have to try and view things differently and that it may be a blessing in disguise- but i really can't, becos i can't accept it and that i feel the strong urge to throw bricks towards the sky, aimed at some big joker above (cept that the bricks may wouldn't hit the intended target and land on me instead.)

anyway, i couldn't bring myself to go home after school despite the fact that i really needed a place where i could cry without embarassing myself. went to town with shups and we shopped... or rather... shups shopped. she got herself a pair of sneakers and a shirt from poa, a zara tee and a miss selfridge tee. tsk... was jealous of her... i only got an m)phosis top, shall go back and get the other nice tube which i tried just now... maybe next week. retail therapy did help... infact, i got a little mad (i mean... mad, even for someone like myself) and shups was quite afraid of me. i was upset about everything but yet pleased with my buy, u see... weird combi of moods causes weird behaviour.

to end off... my mum told me that i look awful in that top. sigh. i think i should sleep early to give an earlier end to this wretched day. friday the 13th? look out for monday the 26th. its a force to be reckoned with.

i'm sorry eunice... didn't pick up ur call becos i am not in the mood to talk. i'll feel better tmr. dont worry about me. it makes me happy enough to know that you care. love you lots. shups? thanks for staying by my side for the entire afternoon. i suppose i wasn't very good company then. thanks for sitting silently next to me on the bus... it helps a lot becos nothing can be said to make me feel better... and words to make me feel better would only agitate me becos it would seem dismissive, as though the problem was just something small and could be solved with the wave of the hand or through spoken words. becos we know that things are really that bad. i just needed someone to empathise with me silently. thanks for that.