A letter to someone

You used to care a great deal- now you don't.
You thought I was sweet- I wasn't.
Was the mistake in assumption what caused the change in you?
You meant the world to me, but I didn't realise it then.
I was too comfortable to ever comtemplate that this feeling won't last.
You gave me whatever I wanted- not the superficials, but that something I treasure a great deal.
Now you don't.
I'm trying so hard to cope with the surprise over the hurt feeling, the pain coming from the loss and the fear of you being lost forever.
Sometimes, I would unwittingly wonder if I care about you more than I think I do.
Then I will realise myself and I'll shake me head and tell myself not to think about stupid things. It stops and some other day, the cycle continues again.
It's the surprise of the pain you can cause which made me wonder.
I really do not know how I feel about you and I don't want to think about it.
Had I known how much sadness you could cause me, I would never allow myself to feel happy because of you.
Then maybe, the change of attitude in you wouldn't have hurt so much.
For at least, I would be prepared for it.
You know what?
You made me strive to be good, to be what you thought I was.
Actually, I didn't need to try, just being around you made me good.
It came easy.
Then came the change. What happened?
The change; me.
I wanted you to see the real me, that I wasn't that good.
I wanted me to see if you would still care about me unconditionally no matter what.
I was frustrated about you viewing me as a saint when I wasn't.
I told you I'm not- and you didn't believe me.
Then I tried harder to prove you wrong.
I tried hard to tell you 'hey hey! you don't know me that well!'
Along the way, some other things made me change too.
I became hard, I sharpened my tongue, I became a bitch.
I got what I wanted- you finally believed me.
And you don't care anymore.
The last sentence was more of a childish accusation.
I often revealed my childish side to you, you would endorse me.
And it made me really happy.
Now you don't.
So I tried to make you care for me again.
But its all wrong.
You no longer care and you thought I didn't either.
It's all wrong, I think I'm trying too hard and I am upset when I realised its futile.
I realised that some changes are irreversible. both you and I.
I'm like a small peron jumping up and down in the middle of a big crowd, screaming 'I changed! But no matter what, I'll always care for you! Give me time to find a balance!'
I've changed into something that is unfeeling to most things.
Why? To prove you wrong and to protect myself.
I'm not saint in your eyes anymore, and I'm scared.
How I want to hug you and say 'I care for you so much, don't be mean to me because I'm not that strong and I want you to care for me.'
The smudges on this piece of paper had proven so.
I'm not that saint, but prove me wrong and tell me that you still care for me unconditionally no matter what.
I can't go back to what I used to be, I'm tainted.
But you don't care anymore.
I would just have to continue and erase the pain from the loss and not think about it.
Act like it doesn't bother me.
Build a higher wall, a thicker shell.
And one day, I will be able to tell myself again that nothing hurts.

Dear friends, please do not leave any comments in this post and don't mention it or ask me about it if possible, ok? Thanks.