Been a few days since I last blogged. What's new? School's starting soon... as much as I've been looking forward to this day, I find myself dreading it now... I could use another month more to sleep.

Elton died. I killed him. He wasn't eating this new brand of food which we've gotten him. Still, I didn't buy the usual brand for him... I thought that he was getting spolit and if he was hungry enough, he'll eat it. But he didn't touch his food and he died. He looked so normal in his sleeping position that I thought he really was just sleeping; I hoped he was, though my bro told me that he was dead. Knocked his cage and called his name but there wasn't any response. Even when I put him in the box to bury with an african daisy, I was still hoping he'll open his eyes and run around as he used to. He didn't and it sank in... My stubborness caused a life. He was barely more than a year old. I only have John left now. Bought 2 packets of the usual brand for John, its going to take him months to finish since there's only one hamster to feed. In doing so, was I trying to ease my guilt? I didn't spend time playing with them, I dare say I never loved them. They were bought by my bro a few days before my birthday when we both knew that Ah heng was dying and I didn't want them as they were to replace the impending loss of ah heng. I didn't want replacements as no other hamster would be like ah heng. I bought food for them, cleaned their cages and fed them out of responsibility. Nothing else. Now that Ton died, I feel horribly guilty. I guess my lack of love for him made me ignore the fact there was something wrong with him. I noticed nothing. I'm really really sorry. Who am I saying that to? Myself? Whatever it is, nothing helps and he's gone.

Been seeing Darr almost everyday for the past few days. Does misery love company? Just a thought, I know seeing her means more than that. Thanks darr. She's here again to keep me company.

I found out something yesterday. The impending feeling of loss is going to start again when the semester starts. I know it. For example, when people go on a plane... lets say a direct, long-haul flight to say... Russia? (cos i love the country) The person sitting next to them becomes their companion for the trip. You chat with the person for the next many hours. It could be the first time ur taking such a long flight and you warm up to this person whom you have so much to share with. For the other party who happens to be a frequent traveller, he's used to such long flights and chatting with strangers are common, but he has learnt to keep a certain emotional distance as he knows that when both of you reach your destination, u become 2 individuals and the common things you share becomes insignificant. He learnt not to share too much while you, a so-called greenhorn, with the enthusiasm of a kid, happily chatter on, not thinking what would happen when the journey comes to and end. When the moment comes, the person casually waves goodbye, you feel a sense of loss while watching your new-found friend collect his luggage and move on. I'm the enthusiastic kid, while you are the frequent traveller. I've learnt that the first time round, and now... I'm trying to learn; to be like you. To also keep an emotional distance. Goodbye for now, I guess? I'm still trying to learn.

*shrugs*

Oh btw, I have no idea who called while I as 'in JB'. I wish I went but I didn't. Don't ask me how's JB. It's amusing at first but not so after you become too tired to explain. No, I did not go. No, I do not have chewing gum. okay?