Just some updates

Random thoughts again.

I went for a holiday to Bali and all was good, until I returned and realised that I sprained my back. Now, I keep feeling this constant pressure on the lower back when I sit or stand. I think I might have pulled it when I was parasailing and just before I was lifted off the ground, there was a jerk and I was tugged hard by the harness around my waist. I remember going oh shit oh shit while I was in the air cos it was really painful, but the pain lasted only a few moments and afterwards, I was focused on trying to land properly and forgot about it, even went white water rafting afterwards.

It's actually normal for injuries to hurt only 2-3 days after the incident. i was pasting salonoplast and spraying heating cream but it wasnt working. Sat and Sun was hectic, walked a lot and carried the heavy laptop and after the weekend, 8 days after parasailing, I felt worse. Was worried about slipped disc or damaged tendons, saw a doc and he diagnosed it as a pulled muscle, give me anti-inflammatory and told me that it will take another 1 to 2 weeks to recover - if I don't, I'll need to see a specialist. The thing is, because I needed to keep my brains in tip-top condition (muscle relaxant/anti-inflammatory pills tend to relax people) because work has been hectic, I didn't take my pills. Today, I wore heels for an important kick-off. When I got off the bus home, I landed hard on my feet and I could feel that impact travel all the way to my lower back. It's been throbbing periodically since. What have I done to myself? I'm worried now.

Separately, I got my performance bonus letter yesterday.Prior to that, my colleague warned that she's got hers and it sucked so much she nearly cried when she saw it because it was so far from her expectations. Colleagues in my department got theirs before me and it was all bad! I had no expectations actually, despite me really hoping for a good one so I could recoup my losses due to my shopping and taxi habits. :P But working here for the past 3 years, I have learnt to erm... manage my own expectations. But seeing colleagues react the way they did despite their years in the company, I started to get really affected and was praying that I won't react badly and to be able to see any amount as a bonus and take it with a thankful heart. I even asked T in Auckland to pray for me. She did and I was really grateful - anys I got the PB letter shortly after and it really wasn't as bad as I thought. I texted S and she said that it was because I'm easily contented - I think I have to thank God for preparing me.

So all's fine. I'm ok with the amount, but listening to what other colleagues shared, I felt really bad for them and quite disappointed with the leaders of the company because we share the same faith, so expectations are higher. There are shortcomings which I am aware of, having been a victim to horrible policies where project targets were difficult to meet because of the calculation method used. I was preparing for today's meeting and realised once again that, I haven't and is unable to do my best for clients. You see, if the pay sucks, you bank on job satisfaction and colleagues, but colleagues come and go and job satisfaction at this point is dwindling. I feel like shit actually. I don't think I can do this any longer. I spoke to J who's gg to tender her resignation as she's really sick and tired from the way things are done and the pb was the final straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know how my company is gg to retain good people. I think J's wonderful. Despite her wanting to leave, she kept asking me to stay, telling me that if I could help to change things, if I feel that the system is incorrect, look into it, change it. Because the company does offer opportunities for growth - do I want to grow here? How do I change things and who am I to change things? I know it's escapism for me, but I really feel disappointed in myself for the things I failed to deliver.

T prophesied over me and she said she saw an image of You holding a scroll listing the plans for me which you have mapped out, you have been watching over me and unrolling the scroll bit by bit and it will take time, but you have great things in store for me. She also saw a blooming white flower, white for purity, blooming because it's going to be a season of love with You. I feel it is that way too... and on my birthday last year, one of the leaders prophesied that he saw an image of a path with stone steps clearly lined and said that God's plans for me are very clear. He wants me to take one step at a time. When I feel impatient for the standstill, these visions help. So Lord, what do you want me to do?