I am tired and having a massive headache from the lack of sleep and the crazy temperatures in Malacca. Not sure how I made it through work today, but I did. Even made it to town for dinner with Bestie C. Didn't realise how much I missed her till I saw her. Had a good time catching up.
I realised there are few people whom I can be my bitchy self, foul-mouth self with, cept for those I grew up with. Now, I find myself always being guarded, afraid of telling people things cos people are just not very tight-lipped and things that you share in strict confidence, become a weapon for someone to make you look really bad.
Been feeling really bored recently and entertaining the thought of just trying something new. How about flying? But, what happens after, should I stay for what it is worth and try to make something out of it or should I just go? I don't know where all this is heading. I don't really know what I want to do and if I fly, I'll lose the stability of what I have now. What if I change a lot and drift away from God? I'm not a stable Christian and its so easy for me to just sway. I am but a weak human. Fuck it, just smoke.
Lately, there's been this option of shitting in a backyard... A friend asked if I would consider dating again. I said that I don't know. She said carefully... 'That's good, at least it's not a no.' She asked me whom I found I could talk to the most, within our circle. Somehow, I knew where this was heading because she had asked me what I thought of this person before. I just named a few other names - oh, because he's funny, because he's gentle and kind and understands my work... Oh, so and so is a nice person too, so is this other person... I was just trying to skirt the issue.
Finally she asked - what about X? I said X is a good guy who is funny. I admit, I did call X my future husband (lets call X, FH now) before, to friends outside of the circle. Especially in my particularly bimbotic moments. FH is a really good person, he's funny and silly, he's cute in the way that I like - the decent bespectacled type, he's sweet, gentle, kind, mischievous but not the type to flirt and go 把妹, he's a few years older, grounded, plays musical instruments, is extremely good at a sport and when he plays, it's really super attractive. Most importantly, he is a strong Christian and I don't think he'll hurt me the way someone did - this guy is perfect and as S bluntly put it when I told her about the conversation, he's a good catch and prob the target of many and I should just go for him before he gets snapped up.
BUT, he is in a backyard that holds too much risk - if I mess up, that's it. I'm not a good person and until I grow up, I'm not deserving. There are better girls within the circle. And anys, after having that conversation with the friend, I found myself being scared shitless - what do I do? I got so scared and I ran - not to him, but the other way. I think I'm a certified nutcase. The idea of dating is just scary. It got me wondering - would the reaction be the same if it was that nasty fellow I had a crush on? I think it would be the same.
I then asked the ex and my closest friends if it meant that I'm a psychologically unstable bitch- they said, perhaps I don't like FH that much. But yet, I did call him my FH, didn't I? I could talk to him too. Should I give it a shot? But, I am so scared the idea makes my hands go cold and clammy.
It's true. I cannot fuck this one up, I managed to contribute a lot to fucking up my 6.5 year relationship - one where we made promises, a lot of promises, where I was really awful and you accepted it.
Hey you, there was one day where I was sitting on the bus and staring out of the window and I was suddenly reminded of you telling me that you are going to make a lot of memories with me so that wherever I go, I'll always be reminded of you and never ever be able to leave you? Where you'll be my silly old man and I'll be the shrunken up old wife of the old man? The fragility of relationships and how things that meant a lot at one point, would easily fall apart. It scares me. How do people get past breakups? Aren't there a lot of memories everywhere with different people? Same scene, but insert a different person? The other day, a friend posted sth in FB - Waking up in the middle of the night and turning to the other side of the bed to see the sleeping, peaceful face of the person you love, and lightly kissing the person before turning back to sleep and at that point, the loved one just pulls you into a hug. It's a blissful feeling. It's a familiar feeling I've nearly forgotten about. Then I remembered how almost every time I kiss you when you sleep, you'll know and somehow, you'll reach over for a hug? Is this the same for every relationship? At least, enough for it to be a feeling known to many? For me, it was you. Can this feeling be replicated with another person? I know the answer is a yes, but what if, what if, this is it? And my expectations fall short with someone else? I'm a stupid person, I know. I'm like a scared child now. Scared of the unknown.
With this... Did I unconsciously choose to like the nasty fellow knowing full well nothing will come out of it?
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