Was an emo wreck during service today. All these past few days of obediently listening to sermons that made a lot of sense and yet when it comes to following. It's so hard. Today's sermon spoke to me a lot about how my life was going and how I wished for it to be something else.
I met up with my leader yesterday and truth be told, I was nervous. I felt like a wayward child meeting the principal. Nevermind that E has always been kind, and I've tried to be as honest with her as much as possible. I'm trying to make an effort to just... Not be scared to make an effort to be accountable to this family. She asked me a lot of questions like... Why did I decide to accept Christ? Why did I decide to be baptised? Have I been baptised in the HS? I found myself having to think very hard about it and I felt like I was being assessed. I figured I should do my part at being as forthright as much as I could.
I told her that I was really broken up after having a long relationship ended, I told her it was with a girl and I was quite scarred by certain memories of the breakup. I couldn't tell her though, that even when I have we'll gotten over the past, part of me will be scared of really trusting someone for a while. I seem to have lost the ability to know someone beyond the surface.
About purity, I'm definitely not and that's not gg to be something I could reversed. I'm struggling hard to be obedient, because there's this streak in me that is lurking... A self-destructive streak that could let go of everything I've worked for at the drop of a hat.
That's why I needed God in my life so much. I always remembered J saying was... When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?" On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Matthew 9:11-13 NIV). How overwhelming is this love? That He came back for us knowing how imperfect we are.
Stepped out to be prayed over and was surprised to see my 2 other lg mates there. We just supported each other emotionally. I kinda broke down when a leader prayed for me. All this things I didn't want to be, all the struggles, I'm asking him to take me out of it in his own way and its been a while since I submitted all to Him.
It's still gonna be hard to forgive, hard to let go of certain vices, I'm just glad I'm not alone in this.
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