What is happening to me

I feel really down today.

Had quite a scare during my meeting today. I spent 4.5 straight hours going through the work with my clients, finally took a lunch break at 2pm when my clients were visibly exhausted and I didn't think I should do the 'Let's go through 1 more chapter, it's pretty short' thing anymore.

Escaped from lunching with them - partially because I needed to stop talking for a while and because, I wanted to take some time to check my email. Gave ourselves a 30-min lunch break, in between, I ran to the foodcourt to pack my lunch and came back up to eat and do my work. All was fine until my vision started blurring. I kept blinking and blinking and the white spots spread over the screen covering the words didn't disappear. I couldn't read the words, each word was cut off. I thought it was the screen... I stared at my printout - same. I was panicking and praying for it to go away - but it didn't. 1-min, it didn't go away... 5-mins, it didn't go away. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I bent forward and squinted at the screen, nose almost touching the computer... I still couldn't see.

My clients came back into the room and I was thinking - should I tell them that I'm not well? I didn't want to appear unprofessional or freak them out. I somehow just continued going through the work with them. Don't ask me how I read out each seemingly mis-happen, cut off sentence while translating it verbally into passable Chinese in my panicky mode - I just did. Thankfully, my work was still fresh in my brain and I could make out my sentences. I couldn't even see my clients' faces properly.

When N finally join for her part of the meeting - I felt so relieved to be able to take my eyes from the screen for a while and focus elsewhere, blinking and blinking in between. The top of my head started to hurt a lot and I had to keep massaging my forehead. After about 30 excruciating mins, my vision returned to normal and the headache ebbed away.

The fear didn't go away though. I tried to do a google search based on the symptoms - seems like it could be anything ranging from stroke to retina tear to something called retina migraine - I'm hoping it's the last one. I'm still pretty alert and I'm functioning normally, don't think it's a stroke. I'm still young, it's not a stroke. It's probably from staring at the computer for too long - I'm scared, but I don't really want to see a doctor. I'm writing this down just in case.  What will happen if I were to lose my sight? I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of sleeping now.

Asked M to go dinner with me today and being the typical guy, he sometimes walked ahead and I almost wanted to tell him about it and not to walk too far, but I didn't. I'm still okay, still okay. If it happens again, I'll see the doctor. What am I doing here still typing away? I really don't know.

I feel like crying and I don't want to tell my parents about it. I just feel miserable - my bad health, my work, fear of loneliness, birthday's coming up and I just want to disappear for a few days - though no way that's happening. The enormity of it makes it hard to smile - keep plastering one like a robot. He's not making it better.

On a positive note, I haven't derived satisfaction from work in a while. At least, for now.