Life as it is -
I'm now at LG and we are thinking of how to share out most moving movements with God with others.
Btw, I'm really glad that I'm here cos... I had intended not to go due to work. But today was tiring and... I couldn't think and I need to speak to Him.
Most moving testimony.
How I was saved?
I wrote about that before.
I was spiraling downwards. Work wise, I kept changing jobs and one by one, nothing worked out. I was getting very negative, felt like a good for nothing, relationship wise, it was heading nowhere. I was with a person for 6.5 years and tho we spoke a lot about settling down together overseas, it feel like a distant dream cos our parents were getting older and no way we could leave or uproot them from the place they are familiar with.
I felt like I didn't have a future.
I just started a job and fumbled abt, scared and uncertain. It was all accumulated from the past failures. The Love started wanting other things, I couldn't cope because in the past few years, I'd learnt not to want freedom because it makes her insecure. Then, after many years, she said she grew up and wanted time to do other things. That brought up a truckload of insecurities. When we finally broke up, I was reeling, tho i couldn't envision us together till a ripe old age, I couldn't imagine the day we would really break up. That was 6 years of promises, 6 years of fighting, 6 years of growing up together and seeing each other through the worst times. I always thought we'll be in each other's lives forever. I was at the lowest point in my life. My career path uncertain, capabilities = 0, love = emotional wreck, plus, I couldn't felt but feel that she suddenly wanted other things because she wanted someone else. I alternated between forced calmness and coldness and full blown hysteria.
Then, He brought me back to Him through T.
Things changed quickly.
1. I quit smoking
2. I learnt to forgive the hurt she inflicted, I worked to keep her as a good friend and we are good friends now!
3. I had a cell group!
4. I went on a mission trip and experienced life
5. I started serving in church
6. I signed up and attended bible classes on my own
7. I started becoming more confident at work
8. I stopped being scared of everything.
9. I worked my ass off at my job, but not without aim
10. The efforts got me a pay raise and promotion's promised at the end of this year.
Could I have ever imagined this would happen a year ago?
No way!
The differences are so pronounced that there's no way that they are achieved with my own strength. No way man!
I was reborn in August 2011.
Now that I know for sure that he exists... What's next?
I feel like I'm constantly tested for my moral values, my faith, my consistency, my discipline to keep my thoughts pure. It's like graduating from a 3rd rate primary school into a more prestigious school and realizing that... There's a more difficult war to fight ahead - because the expectations are higher. Because I know I'm wrong and constantly bending the rules or just plain ignoring things that... I feel constantly guilty.
But, whenever I'm on a spiritual spiral downwards, things usually happen to inject some energy to climb upwards.
How could someone take care of me so faithfully? Just last week, my rs with him was on a low - yes, you may think , a few months and backsliding already?
On the surface, no one could tell cos I was serving more, but inside, I was deeply resentful and unwilling.
Somehow, He remained faithful and steadfast, whenever I prayed genuinely, He always answered. When I was bogged down by meetings, he solved my problems even in higher ways than mine. I'm now juggling 3 clients on my own. They are all at the same stage now and it's really difficult to be answerable as to why nothing much has moved since our last meetup. That was because one client had been unreasonable and... I needed to close the project soon. I only have this much time. Whenever I prayed for understanding, somehow it turned out well. He has always been aware of my limitations when I am not. I often felt guilty when I don't do enough... Was expecting Him to be disappointed, but it wasn't the case. I think he was showing me again and again how gentle and understanding he is.
One such occasion was him getting one of my clients to tell me that things are not rushed and to lean on God. I mean... I'd intended to cancel the meeting the evening before, but she didn't pick up and when she called, I didn't pick up. Feeling guilty, I continued the meeting with something else first. And prayed and prayed. I guess... He really wanted me to speak to my client. After that... Things were different, I felt renewed again to give more.
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