It has been a long time since I last came here.

I have graduated (I passed my exams!!), I got a new job. I got out of the old rut of working at my previous work place, I am at my first step of going somewhere.

But this is tough.

I have never felt so stupid and miserable in my life at work. It's embarrassing, I actually cry pretty often about work, the stress in coping with something that is new is... unmanageable most days. I guess the pace of life at work was so slow then, that my mind and body was not ready to finally be in a position where I am now a professional. It's like being a clerk one day and becoming a specialist the next. I had no knowledge and had no sense of what is needed. I feel like giving up - but if I do, what's next? If you got something that you wanted and you realised that you are not good at it, what's next?

Love says she believes that I can do it. I feel like I want to leave and crawl under a rock somewhere. The culture at the new work place is very different. My heart wants to go all out and do it, carve something out, my body and soul and mind... they are not cooperating. I feel tired and unhappy most days, I feel like there's a major communication gap between me and my colleagues. For once, I'm really pretty much on my own. It's different at work previously where... no matter how bad things were at work, there was a strong support group of friends. I never felt unwelcome. Now, it's my fault actually, I should try harder... the more unwelcome I feel, the more I avoid my colleagues. I guess people only want to hang around people who are good at something. I basically suck at everything at my new job.

Should I leave? It's easy to take the easy way out, obviously. But what is next? How can I look at myself in the mirror if I give up so easily? But this is so hard... so damn hard.

I'm glad that I could always run to Love who's always patient and kind to me. I've been staying at her place a lot because I needed the support and comfort. But I think I ought to be home more often to keep my parents company.

My train of thoughts are not linked. I feel like going to a fortune teller who can tell me if is this even suitable for me? But what if he says that this isn't, will I break down and really leave this job? Am I going to let someone tell me if I am good or not good at something?

I don't know.

Right now, there's a lot to do at work, but there is nothing more that I want to do rather than sleep. But sleep doesn't come easy nowadays. I dream a lot about work, I wake up feeling sick to the core. I am very tired.