I woke up thinking that it's time to update this blog. An hour later, I find that I couldn't say what I intended to say. Maybe it takes up too much energy, or that I'm feeling defeated at this point.

Here are the jumbled-up bits.

It's hard to be someone's source of motivation and pillar of strength when I, in the first place, am the least motivated and least disciplined individual I know. I feel small, I feel like I'm nothing. I can't be strong because I'm just another dissatisfied person, I have no words of wisdom - my wisdom tooth is the closest I thing I can get to wisdom.

I need to get my priorities right. But there's a difference between knowing what's the right thing to do, and doing the right thing. It's the mind over matter thing. As mentioned above, I have no motivation at all. I don't know where it went. Does motivation and confidence come together? There are lots of things I'd like to remember, but I just can't. I seem to be floating through life in a state of oblivion and I can't get out of it. Talk about being an empty shell of a person. Where did I go? I try to lead a 'full life' but I'm tired. The one thing I'd like to do is nothing. No burden. But it's someting we're born with, isn't it? I'm not wise, the only escape tactic I have is to ignore, yet with every step away, I find burden closing up even more.

I'm glad I met the friends last night, I missed them. I'm hardly there, I'm hardly anywhere in all aspects. But but at the end, the one thing I'm sure of is that... I'm happy to see them.

Those dreams are back, as real as before. I don't like my brain, it plays funny games with me when it's supposed to be resting.

Ending off, the most comforting words this week came from mum when I was talking to her about leaving the current job and accepting the new job. 'Take your time to think, there's no rush, it's really ok to stay at home for a while. Don't have to worry.' I'm not doing it any justice when translated from chinese to english. When she said that, I thought of the words 4bi 1feng 3gang. If my memory is failing me, this is one of the feelings I'd like to hold on to.