Fresh from yesterday's off, yet by the end of the two chinese bulletins, I'm already feeling so drained that I could just fall asleep. I'm starting to enjoy the bulletins... not as scared as before, but the moment I make a mistake and when there are too many things to handle... I start to panic... and there goes... get so mad at myself. Trying very hard to have continuous perfect bulletins.

The SD said something positive about me after I made a mistake- I guess it was quite obvious that I would've kicked myself if I could... so she probably felt like saying something nice. Yet... I feel worse. Nevermind, I can do it very soon! Trying to clear my mind my blogging it away.

It isn't healthy to get so affected over mistakes... and with the no. of mistakes I make each night, it adds up to quite a bit. With my birthday coming up, I was thinking quite a bit on how idealistic I used to be while schooling... how I said I would wanna dabble in script-writing, taking on small roles in plays, picking up a foreign language while having a permanent job as an AP so in future, I might gain enough experience to direct something which I can be proud of- after which, I will retire and set up a cosy cafe/pub. Too idealistic.

All these, they seem quite far away now. I'm 21, and I haven't done much with my life... and with my 22nd birthday approaching, I can't help but feel panicky and very powerless... caught up with getting material things, not having enough time and energy to do anything else after other obligations. Very caught up with the present and wanting too much for the future.

Ok, I'm slightly better after dumping everything here... reading what I wrote... I feel like a confused teen in terms of mindset... how very... embarrassing.

//

"It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like so long as somebody loves you."
~ Roald Dahl, in The Witches

Read this quote from Shuping's blog... I'll always find something uplifting from her blog. Feeling tonnes better. Thanks Peng!

Yes, at least I know that no matter how sucky I am, I still have my parents to fuss over me- letting me know that no matter what happens... there's always a home to return to, true friends (you know who you are) to support me and listen to my whines... and last but not least... the love of my life to give me a warm hug whenever I feel like I'm about to collapse, a kiss to take my breath away, a comfortable shoulder to lie on and a hand to hold when I'm feeling insecure. Special people making everything worthwhile.