Woot! The slow punishment at the ministry of evil tortures is finally over! See? I'm still here, unscathed and well... somewhere in between doing boring work, made a few friends whom I'll be seeing on Monday for a post-trauma sushi lunch! Alright, work ain't that bad, boring but not too bad, I'm just in the mood to exaggerate a wee bit.

Since I have all the time in the world now - all the time in the world = until Dec 6 where I will embark on the last semester as a cocky mcm student - I guess its time to contemplate on something which I've been uh... contemplating.

I don't fall head-over-heels for someone easily. Yes, I whine an awful lot over perfect-looking strangers or when I'm feeling particularly friendly ('friendly' a term to put it mildly. Slu**y would be a better world for the crass and the coarse. Me.), I start winking my come-here wink and smiling my i-am-very-approachable smile at them - which sadly, despite my brave attempts, manifested into a blinking idiot with a bad twitch. Ah, howw attractive.

Anyway, before I so shamelessly digressed, the point is: its easy to have funny crushes all over the place but I would never want to stake my claim on them (even in a once-in-a-lifetime chance where they came knocking) because it probably meant a disappointment waiting there for me and the other party. I want the person to be my idea of perfection and vice versa- which is clearly impossible but I can't fall for someone whom I don't admire and even if the person didn't mind my flaws, I will still feel undeserving. Maybe its due to the many setbacks and I've just sort of crawled in and nestled comfortably in my own dusty romantic rut watching the world out there like a couch potato with her popcorn and tv.

Not very recently (but not too long ago either), hope had proven to spring eternal and I stumbled for someone (to a lesser degree of 'fallen'). I saw the attractive and also weak side of the person and for once (okay,thrice), I didn't mind. Then, due to many external forces, I realised that it was wrong for me to stumble for that person and tried to get the person out of my head.

Months and plenty of serious observation later, I am still attracted to this person - and I couldn't help wondering why. The person is not fantastic, really. Nothing to go ga-ga over. Hmm... sadly, I was never one of those lucky girls blessed with the ability to censor all their loves' flaws and say 'He is perfect. He's my 10/10.' I would be stingy and mercilessly look at him in an oursider's shoes and grunt, '6 and half.'

I was losing sleep because I couldn't understand why I stumbled (yes yes, i know i'm irritating, but i prefer to be more exacting) for that person then I was thinking that if there was some other potential people in front of me now, I probably wouldn't give two hoots about this person. Yes, I wouldn't. I guess. I know that all I have to do is to wait for this person to appear and my problem would disappear and I will go from 'stumbled' to 'stumbled on the rebound' category. Worse? But at least its a change, isn't it? I hate being stuck.

I know I'm not alone and many people are guilty- doesn't make things better but I find sick comfort in knowing that well... I'm not alone. I've seen people in relationships that goes 'I still care for ___ but...' with a high possiblity that if they met someone new, they'll get out of the relationship. It's not a bad thing, its just human nature. Think: If someone is suffering particularly bad breakup, isn't it reassuring to have this thought somewhere tucked in your mind during the 'mourning period' that you wouldn't be this upset as soon as someone else appears - just like the time I broke up with the previous one. I guess there is an intellectual grain of truth when friends tell you 'forget about ___ you will find someone better and you won't even bother anymore' - irritating to the ears but well... true nonetheless.

Anys, this is getting too long and I'm feeling sleepy from all that typing and working of rusty brain cells. As I said, this is some thing which I've been contemplating about but I still feel guilty that the contents of this post seems to be leading nowhere. No answers. Maybe I'll have one when I meet someone new or that I can forget about the person with my very limited capablities.

I made one realisation though... which is very out of context - I sound like loser Bridget in certain parts of this post. How very disheartening.