Exams are finally over! But I'm quite sad about it... I don't think I'll do well- I will pass (i think), but doing well? That's out of the question. All my fault though... I didn't even attempt to work hard for it. Anyway, I don't know what I'm doing online at 4am.. Guss called to chat and I've been awake since.

Shup, Ting and Eunice came over to my house after dinner and some shopping at Holland V. Got myself a pair of heels from x:odus (yay)... and browsed ard the pet shops... then I realised that I had never never gotten any hamster treats for Elton and John before... I mean... I used to get a lot of treats for ah heng, and now... think its time for me to spoil them... well, a little unwillingly though... since I don't exactly love them. Its just out of guilt.

It's been more than a week since Huili passed away. Her parents will be back tonight and my parents and some other church members will be meeting them at the airport. She has already been cremated in Aust, and the memorial service will be held on Sunday.

I've only spoken to her on a few occasions and Huili was a really bubbly and sweet girl. Very genuine and smiley. I wished I got to know her better... and after reading all the testimonials which her friends wrote for her.. I felt as though I knew her a little more, though its sort of too late.

I wonder why God choose to take away such a young life. Really, she could've been a blessing to everyone she knows, if she is still alive... Every time I look at her profile with the picture of her blowing a farewell kiss... I can't help but feel upset and that things really shouldn't be that way. I know its God's will and that we should accept it. But thinking about her parents and friends which she has left behind, I can't help but think otherwise.

Sometimes... I'll wonder what would happen if I lose someone who's important to me. What would I do? I really do not think that I can live on. Everytime my friends ask me what would I do if they are gone... I'll tell them to shut up cos I don't even want to imagine it. But after that, I would start thinking and the feeling is hard to put down in words- I know its mostly fear, for I've experienced th feeling before. The time when I was in Sec1/2 - the phone rang at 2 am and I realised that my grandma (maternal) had died. My parents and brother left for the hospice. They didn't let me go and I just sat on the sofa, not feeling anything at all until a many hours later, I called Wenxian and when I heard her voice, I just broke down. I'm very afraid of that feeling.

I asked Xav the other day... what would happen if I were to go away. She said she couldn't imagine... and I think, like me... she doesn't want to think about it too. I didn't mean to ask such a question, when Guss asked me the other day... I just couldn't think and my next reaction was to want to say something sharp at her for causing that fear, but looking at her being so upset over Huili... I understood why she asked that question and I kept those sharp words to myself.

Please, please... don't ever ask me such a question... and on my part, I'll never pose that question to anyone else... the fear it causes is really indescribable.

Anyway... Huili, if you could ever see this... I just want you to know that I'll always remember you: In the school uniform, fair, pretty in short hair, with sparkling eyes, smiling and walking along the school corridors. Just as it used to be. Watch over your parents and those who care about you. :)