It's like I'm living 2 lives, one steeped in doing all kinds of things that is not pleasing to him that will really hurt him. And one that is struggling to guide and mentor people and to bring people closer to him. I feel like such a fraud, and I swear, never will I want C to be disappointed in me again. That really stings.
Today, I also spent more time talking to a person and it's amazing how easy he is to talk to. I think I might be a little attracted to him. Maybe attracted wouldn't be the correct word - just interested I guess, tho he's definitely very attractive physically.
I think I got to know him better during the workshop, I was surprised that he would talk to me cos he always seemed aloof, very aloof. I noticed that he's actually very observant and attentive. I just needed to put on a jacket and he would notice and turn up the temperature in the room quietly. A few hours later, he sat next to me and asked if I was still cold. He asked if I wanted breakfast and asked if I loved coffee cos I kept drinking coffee. He asked me about God and if I did my quiet time - which I was surprised about. He actually asked me about God?! This seemingly cold and aloof guy would ask me so many questions and be so open about sharing about his faith too.
Today we all went out and drank together and it's amazing that he could talk sooooo much and be so silly. We actually had supper together and we shared a cab home and talked the entire time. I feel extremely comfortable with him and was able to share some shitty parts of my life with him. He's like a big child who went through a lot.
I couldn't stop laughing at him about his bad command of Chinese and other things. I haven't felt this comfortable about hanging around a guy in a long time, much less someone I don't talk to. I know it's sad but... I haven't had a person look after me being godly obligations in a long time. It feels nice.
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