I couldn't really work yesterday, keeping up a front of jovial laughter (dunno to show who) but I had serious trouble concentrating throughout the day. So much that I failed to save a file I was working on for 2 hours and it was gone, had to redo.
I so wanted to go talk to him but, didn't know what to say. As the time was nearing the end of the day, I was getting antsy but couldn't pluck up the courage to go to him.
He gave some chocs to me - which made me a little sad because I didn't like sweet things yet he didn't know. But then again, how would he if I always kept chocs at my desk, just because I knew he likes them?
F, a good friend at work and church knew I was sad and she gave me a pep talk in the loo, telling me that it's all for the best that he's leaving and it's time for me to really let go and concentrate. I wasn't really listening as I was in near panic, it was 5, and he's got the habit of leaving early the past few weeks. What if he left entirely while I was in the loo?
With that, I walked quickly back to work and to my relief, he was still around. Before my fear got the better of me, I quickly went to his seat and he smiled at me. But my heart just plummeted to the floor as I took in his now-empty table, all his stuff packed into bags. This was reality.
Chatted nonsense with him and asked if he liked the farewell gift. I'm so worried if he doesn't use it and he joked about regifting it, grr... but... Nevermind. So I offered to take his stuff to his car for him, he agreed and then he was being all annoying and acting embarrassed about leaving at 5.
When we were about to step out, he handed me this tiny bag to hold for him - I think he knew that I just wanted to spend time with him, with bringing the stuff down as an excuse. My pride refused and I picked a bigger bag.
Colleagues were teasing that I didn't need to be so nice to him. I asked M to walk down together and he refused, J started to walk way ahead and in the end I quickly followed after him, wondering why I was in such a haste to run after him while techically, I was still holding on to his bag and he couldn't leave me behind even if he wanted to. Boss was frowning at my lack of restraint at walking down with him and nagging that he has got 2 staff working under him, they could help.
He was babbling nonstop throughout the walk across the road and thank God, cos I was so sad and nervous, anything was better than silence.
We loaded the stuff into his car and he was openly ogling at some hot guy on his a&f shopping bag. Sigh.
Anys, think he felt bad about making me walk so far and he offered to drive me back to the office. When we got to the office, I got out of the car, waved at him and quickly walked back towards the building, I just didn't dare to look at him further.
So that's it. I don't think he'll keep in contact. Maybe not with me.
I felt better when I got back to the office - at least there's no regret about not talking to him. Then, I got nagged at by boss. She was already nagging at me the night before about being too good to him when he's so mean and doesn't really get me things, while I was trying to find a present for him. Told her to just let me release some of that stupidness by being nice for the last time.
I'm lucky to have her as my boss. I know she cares, but sometimes, I just need to be a dumb woman.
Stayed on at work till late - yes the bloody deleted file thanks to my lack of concentration - and just before I left, when no one was around the main office area, I stood near his empty desk and felt this feeling of loss seeping back in. I miss him already. 2 years and you left, like that.
So, late last night, poor S watched as her 2 friends said stupid lovelorn things, again, whining incessantly. I'm grateful for friendships. If M was around, I would have strode over to her place to cry. I don't even know why I wanted to cry.
Felt a bit better after meeting my friends and otw back, we saw 2 Indian workers trying to get a cab, they have a dead drunk friend lying on the ground and though I didn't feel any sympathy for the drunk, I felt sorry for the friends trying in vain to get a cab and getting scoldings from taxi drivers who rudely refused to drive them. People just streamed past, looked at the men and walked on. I felt so bad for them.
2 Caucasians felt the same and they tried hailing the cabs for them but was turned down once the driver saw the guy lying on the ground. I mean, to be fair to the driver, if I saw a drunk man lying on the ground I would be worried about giving him a ride too.
It was one of those nights where I got to ponder a lot about apathy. Those workers in the riot... Watching the locals walk past them without noticing them, as though they were nothing of value. But God loves his people. I just wish someone showed them and I'm ashamed that this love came from Caucasian tourists not Singaporeans.
We went along to the supermarket, X was asking if I was ok because I looked really disturbed after I saw the Indians. I didn't know what I could do and got a big bottle of water for the drunk guy to wash his face. Asked my friends if it's a good idea to pass $20 to a taxi driver to just pick him but the friends were right, the drivers were probably concerned about the man vomiting in their cars and also about their own safety, no amount of money would make them pick the guys up. It's not about the money.
True enough, as we walked back, they were still there and my friends asked me to just pass the water to them since I've already gotten it. Hesitated for a bit out of fear and went over.
The friend looked surprised when I passed him the bottle, I asked him if he could wash his friend's face with the water and wake him up. He touched his friend's face, laughed a bit and said it's alright, he's fully drunk and won't wake up at all. I don't know why but I apologised to the man about the cabs and told him that no one would stop, he nodded and he understood, said thank youoffered his hand, as we shook hands, he said again- Thank you for stopping to show care. Thank you.
That really messed me up for the times where I didn't stop to give any of these lives a second look. Caught up with living a life that I forgot about others. Please do not let my heart harden.
So I'm home with this 1.5l bottle staring at me as a reminder to care. Not to hold back.
Anys, I would like to say that I woke up this morning feeling great, but I didn't. I didn't dream about J, but sadly just before I woke up, the part where you slowly come into consciousness, his face appeared. This sucks.
Had I known 2 years ago, when I met his eyes for the first time, that this guy could worm his way into my mind and heart without much effort on his part... I would have built a Great Wall of China around him. Maybe I would. Maybe I should have gone all out, chased after him or something.
I remember one afternoon this week, he said he was hungry and we stepped out to get food, just like the old times. He was recovering from his bad bout of gastric pain and wanted curry puff. Nagged at him and he changed his mind deciding to go to a bakery where he raved about some biscuit. Him and his uncle tastebuds. He forgot where the bakery was and we made a big round under the hot sun. He was a little embarrassed about making me walk but when he found the bakery, he was so happy, quickly bought his bread and biscuits and proceeded to eat while complaining that salads for lunch is not for him. So cute.
Halfway through his bread, he stuffed the half eaten bread towards me and I told him that I don't like pork floss. He grinned happily to himself and continued eating. Horrible guy. He did this before - once, when we were having lunch and I had a lot of food left, so he was eating my food and suddenly he just put one piece in my face and before I could say anything, he popped that piece into his mouth. Argh!
With all these weird memories that are of nothing to him and something to me, how am I gg to forget?
坏人，拍拍屁股就走了。
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