Stumbling

I guess growing up means growing a bigger heart to just be able to accept the whats, be understanding about the whys.

The flip side is to end up always finding excuses for people so that I won't be disappointed, learning not to have expectations to avoid feeling shortchanged. Over time, just conditioned to let things slide too easily - simple simple things - that it mutates into a general indifference toward things. Yet the indifference is not total... Giving rise to anger and inadequacy. Am I not worth you being good to?

I've been very much disappointed in him lately. I think he takes me for granted. It's partially my fault - for I always trying to do more for him, hardly ever saying no. It's unconditional. Because over time, I trained myself to not expect things from anyone. What am I to him?

Yet recently, when I find myself feeling down, it just occurred to me that those I spend the most effort and time for - are not those whom I can depend on. So much for unconditionality yah? You can just easily forget about me. Why should I care about you?

Strange thing is, despite the minimal expectations, it did hurt a lot. Is that what happens when you care about someone and unconsciously, you just hope for the same concern? Anys, I just handled it in the way I knew how - to just cheerfully say don't worry, it's ok... No problem. Why say that? It's not like the person was apologising. I was just overcompensating and feeling miserable after.

It's not just with him, but also with others, even those from my spiritual family. Planning for the trip revealed quite a lot of facets of people whom I couldn't really accept and didn't take well to.

I started complaining and cursing and swearing, telling my friends how I felt in my anger. The alarm sounded when Y said... Ah! Even Christians can be so scary?! I just immediately felt ashamed of myself.

God's word came - do not cause others to stumble. I was weak, but I had believers with me, I had ppl ard me whom God might want to use me to work on... Is this how I should behave? Is this representative of Jesus Christ? The one who symbolises grace and truth? Where's grace?