Finding And Understanding God.

I'm on my way back from my first Alpha class. Despite my initial trepidation, it went pretty well. I was a little stressed and nervous, but surprisingly, I went ahead - pearl on normal days would have backed out. I realize recently that though I usually find an excuse for everything, a reason not to, an excuse why I cannot do what I was supposed to do, with God, I just didn't want to do that. It an amazing feeling and I quite like it this way.

I've quit smoking because I wanted to thank Him for giving me comfort in my darkest hours, I no longer need to sleep with the lights on, because I've got nothing to fear - that's pretty amazing since I've slept with the lights on for most of my 27 years. I've been going to church every week, though, I sometimes do still try to think of excuses still. I've enrolled into my first ever mission trip and I've signed myself up to be an usher in church. If you knew me, you'll know that these are things I'd never have done. Now, I'm trotting to Alpha class after work, no companionship, no excuse to skip, just to find out more. All these in less than 2 months - I'd say that He has done a pretty amazing job, I've changed so much! I'm more committed than I've ever been to keep something going. The irony is, it all started with a break-up for me to find commitment.

Other than this, I'm still pretty much the same, still harboring wishes of slapping a short woman - which I hope God will eventually help me to take away. I want to know how to serve others better and fulfill His purpose for me, I want to make a different and be a blessing to someone or some people as He has been to me and how the wonderful people I suddenly find myself surrounded by - have been to me. And I'm truly grateful.

This morning, I was slightly freaked out. I dreamt that I was in a church service and I heard a man tell me that I need to work hard to understand the bible because in it, I can fund Him. Once I know Him, I'll receive gifts from the Holy Spirit, one of which being the gift of tongue. But... I was quite ok not having the gift of tongue despite gg through the baptism of the holy spirit, where one of the signs would be the gift of tongue. Though I do enjoy hearing it and wonder what the people are saying - if it's even real. I'm not looking for more gifts because I'm really v blessed right now. So, I guess it's a figment of my imagination. Though sufficient enough for me to be creeped out a little.

During class, we watched a video of a talk by this pastor Nicky. I could relate to what he was saying and how when he said to bow and pray - by apologizing for my sins, thanking him for dying on the cross and inviting Him to come into my life is all it takes. I've done this a few times and though I don't feel a tadah major difference, I feel lighter each time I invite the Holy Spirit in, cos I was never really certain if He's there but as a gut feeling, I know He was to be. Each time I do it, to sincerely ask, I find myself oddly moved to tears. And I feel lighter.

Anys, we convened to have some snacks and try to get to know each other and talked abt why we are here. It was inspiring in a way, hearing seasoned catholics, christians, non-believers relate. There's this lady who has been a catholic all her life questioning why is it that God doesn't seem to guide her when she prays for signs and guidance for the same thing for the past one year. Has she been praying the wrong way? Another is here because her kids are getting baptized and she isn't, she's here to find out more about God and if through it, she can let go of things. Many were born into the faith all their lives but never quite understold God and one reason or another, we're all here to learn - which is wonderful.

I want to understand God better because a relationship requires 2-way communication. First, I'll need to understand the bible where His words for all of us are found.

Next, we were asked to think of a question that we would want to ask Him if we were to meet Him. Classmates asked about ongoing sufferings, how to find purpose, how to Be a better person. I asked how is it that when he died on the cross, my sins are purged. It's more scientific I guess, I believe in Christ, but this side of me wants to know why is the bible written by men and why not women, whow are sins purged when there are new sins made, is the bible objective and free of prejudice if written by men? If God forgives us for everything, why are some characters in the bible struck down when they commit sins? Things like that.

We left after that discussion and I'm looking forward to the next class :) I'm gonna start shopping for a leather application bible when I feel richer. Just to help me understand how this applies to our present day lives. Excited!