Ok, this is so ironic. When I say that my sad blog enteries days would be over... it isn't so over yet. But well... at least she wont be reading this.

She called me just as I was waiting for the bus to meet Candy darling. I have no idea why, but she sounded sad and I immediately dropped my intended ice-cold attitude towards her. She kept telling me what I most hated to hear- that everything is alright and she doesn't want to disturb me... I really hate that, as in... why call if you think that you are disturbing me right?

Was practically in a daze after she msged. So dazed that I actually sent a msg meant for Pearly to her... I hope I didn't mention what I typed to her cos I really do not remember what I typed. She just replied with a 'huh' and I got a rude shock, cos only then did I realise that I made a blunder.

Met my Candy darling and we went off to chill at Spins. Saw this butch whom I thought looked cute in pics, but when I saw her, I find her fat. Ewww... Chatted lots with Candy and I'm glad that I got to know her better today. She's staying over tonight. =) Couldn't forget about her... afraid that she might be sad or something, so I gave her a ring and realised that she's outside with Ray already. Invited her to join me and Candy... was half hoping that she would decline actually... not becos I dun wanna care abt her or that I'm just offering for the sake of offering... just have this sudden fear that I'm only going to feel worse after seeing her. How true.

Time for me to accept the fact that I'm no longer important to her- as a friend of cos... for she has never treated me more than that. You know sth? When I looked up and saw her approaching, my heart just stopped. She came nearer, and smiled. I smiled back. She really has an irresistable smile and twinkle in the eye.. not responding to her would be a real feat. Ray came over with her gf too... and she seemed pretty grouchy... wonder if its her mood or maybe like Guss, she can't stand me either. She sat down and I asked her how she is and stuff... it felt awkward. She asked me what I told Helen about Lena... feel quite sad when she asked me that... maybe she's thinking that I've been bitching to Helen abt her. I would never do that to her... the only negative thing I said abt her was abt her irresponsibility abt the JB trip. She had no idea how tough it was to meet Helen cos I had to be so careful with every word I say. Helen is my friend and she's someone I care so much abt. Why am I always the middle man? The shit I get myself into sometimes...

Sat there smoking for a while, got to see some pics of the new girl in her life- Andrea. Quite a cute girl... different, nice. Lucky girl... cos she's going to have the best gf she can ever find. She told me that I'm getting skinnier. The last time I met her, she said the same thing to me too. She gave me this pained look that time and I felt as though my heart was squeezed. Just told her that I lost a little bit of weight.

She complained abt being hot, and went into Heeren to look for Audrey while darling and I continued sitting there and chatting. Asked Candy if I'm acting like I should be... and she said yes, I'm quite casual when I talk to her. Good. She seems to have this idea that I like Pearly... Good? Feel quite sad when I watch her walk away. She sees Audrey more often than me and yet she can't even sit down longer to chat. She just can't. I really lost her. Months ago... Shuping and Ting were still saying how jealous they are of me to have a friend like her. Cos she is so caring... now... nothing. Come to think of it, she has never been the person I'll call when I'm sad, but when she knows... she'll be there. Now... I have this fear everytime I call her... that she won't be picking up my calls or reply to my msgs. That's why I dun call her... I'm so scared I'll feel sad if she doesn't reply me.

Continued chatting with Candy for some time... saw Edward, my coursemate, he is such a cute guy... like a teddy bear that you'll wanna hug... he teased me abt smoking... don't get it... ppl in my course seems to think that I'm the good, demure girl who doesn't smoke, drink or have a bf... and ppl from TP have this impression that I'm slutty and probably slept with a million guys... oh well... such different perceptions. Called her a while later and she said she won't be coming down in a while... I feel so... like my heart has this cold and sore feeling. She came down some time later to say bye, I just smiled and said bye. I'm a causal aquaintance and therefore, feel the need to act like one too. Sat there a while more and we left for home... got pestered by this irritating guy helping his fren try to get to know me. Gross, uncultured, uncouth freaks. Pretended not to hear and continued walking... they follow a while more and finally retreated. Feel so scared and disgusted.

I have lost a lot. I'm grieving not over my unreciprocrated feelings, why would I be sad over that when she doesn't know a single thing about what I'm feeling? I'll want nothing to hurt this friendship, which was why I try not to treat her too nicely incase she knows... but maybe I myself sub-consciously sabotaged this friendship. Yes, I'm grieving over the loss of a friend... I grieve only over what I have the right to... nothing else.

Feel like totally going nuts and be a total slut, and fuck every butch or guy possible, but then again... would I feel better? I just wanna hold someone's hand, a totally changed person... walk past her with my head held high; just to get a reaction out of her... but then again... it probably wouldn't matter to her. Some sick part of me still wishes that she would care for me I guess... but I also know that doing such things would only turn her off. I just want her to treat me like a friend- like she always had. But I guess i'm asking too much cos I'm always so cold to her. I was the one who screwed up first.

Why can't I be nice to the one person I love?